Family – This Is What it’s All About

What a great day.  We really are a great family.  Just when I thought it was all over, we have another great day.    Watermelon, flag cookies, playing in the cornfield, a bounce house, kids running and dancing and screaming, musical chairs and lots of lesbian moms.   

Late in the day the sun begins to fall behind the corn field.  The glow is pink and orange.  The air is warm with the hint of a cool breeze coming our way.  We’re tan and fit from our recent trip.   He’s in the bounce-house giggling frantically with 4 other kids. 

She’s on the balcony looking absolutely as gorgeous as the breath-taking night that I met her.  

I’m sitting in the playground fort.

We look at each other from a distance with our son giggling in the background. 

I forget all about her driving, nagging, and our fights over a million of insignificant things.  Tonight, it’s all about the good things . . . our family and our terrific son, our friends, our safe, secure, happy life built on our hard work together as a couple.  We’ve had so many good moments as a team. 

There she is looking at me with the beatiful sunset glowing off of her face in the distance.  Maybe she’s finally seeing me again . . .  really looking at me.  What a relief.  So many times I think that it’s all going to fall apart and he trusts us so much.  We are his anchor. 

Her lips move and she’s trying to tell me something but I can’t make out what she’s saying so I just smile her way.

Later she approaches me.  I’m still up in the fort and it’s not quite dark as she looks up to whisper something to me . . .

“I want a divorce.”

Filing Her Nails at 85 mph

I try not to complain. 

We were driving – her, our son and me.    There was lots of traffic.   We were all tired and she was filing her nails as she was driving at 85 mph. 

  + 

  =

Here is the kicker – I didn’t say anything.  

Help Us

Listen, we have a fantastic family.  Two moms and a wonderful boy.  Nice house, nice cars, great neighbors and school.  Our families love us.  We’re healthy and fun.   We’re smart.  We’re a great looking couple.  We have fun, nice friends . . . 

In my mind we have two issues:  1) too much debt and 2) one of the moms is unhappy with the other  – she’s unhappy with me. 

I think that she’s decided that it will never work and so she no longer makes any effort to see anything good about me or our relationship.  She has given up and is just looking for the right time to make her exit. 

She’s so wrong.  We are so lucky.

Help us. 

 

 

 

How did I become Satan?

When and how did this happen?  We were laughing, having fun, picking out beer with crescent moons on the bottles, truly enjoying each other.    How can two people who are so much fun and who love each other so much turn into this mess?   Maybe it’s because neither of us really like beer – we just thought that the bottles looked fun and pretty.

She thinks I’m Satan.  I do nothing right in her eyes.  Every little detail of life is an argument. 

When we first met I was describing her to a friend.  He’s a straight, older and unsuccessfully married guy.  He told me that it would never work.   He said we were too much alike. 

I don’t think we’re alike at all.  She watches Oprah (and likes it) and makes business decisions based on reasons like, “It just doesn’t feel right.” 

I don’t.

Kermit here – can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em

She’s out of town. 

So, I didn’t watch the Muppets when I was growing up.  We lived in a small town with no cable, only 3 fuzzy networks from rabbit ears but without muppets.

However, for whatever reason I once watched Kermit sing a song about women (female pigs ? – I don’t know)    –  can’t live with em, can’t live without em.

Tonight I keep hearing that song.   Guess I should add “can’t sleep without em.”

Anyway, a quick Google and seconds later I was reading a full description of the song as found at:  http://www.whysanity.net/muppets/better.html

Here it is:

Rowlf & Kermit–both voiced by Jim Henson–sing their laments about women after Miss Piggy just walked out on her date with Kermit.   

(By the way, this does not imply that my lovely spouse has anything in common with Miss Piggy.    According to Wikipedia, “In an interview with the New York Times in 1979, Frank Oz outlined Piggy’s biography: ‘She grew up in a small town in Iowa; her father died when she was young, and her mother wasn’t that nice to her. She had to enter beauty contests to survive, as many single women do. She has a lot of vulnerability which she has to hide, because of her need to be a superstar.’ ”    My spouse is not from Iowa and her father is not dead.  ) 

Wikipedia also says that in The Muppet Movie, Miss Piggy has just won a beauty contest (Miss Bogen County) when she first meets Kermit and joins the Muppets.  Which reminds me, for obvious reasons, of a “beauty contest” held in my hometown every year  – Miss Hamerica.  It wasn’t a pig pageant – well it was – but it was for human females.  Very weird.  Tried to google “Miss Hamerica” to verify the existence of the contest for you but alas my hometown apparently has not been introduced to the Internets. 

         

 

Rowlf:Evenin’ Rowlf. Rowlf the Dog. Sit yourself down.
Kermit: Kermit. Kermit the Frog.
Rowlf: Please to meet ya.
(Rowlf plays a rapid musical scale across the piano’s keys)
Rowlf: I’m no Heifetz, but I get by.
Kermit: That was…that was very nice.
(Rowlf notices Kermit’s sad mood)
Rowlf: Whoa, hey, broken heart, right?
Kermit: Does it show?
Rowlf: Listen, when you’ve been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you’ve seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every fallen star!
Kermit: Exactly. She just walked out on me.
Rowlf: Ah, typical. That’s why I live alone.
Kermit: You do, huh?
Rowlf: (starts the song’s intro) Yep. I finish work, go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed.
Kermit: Nice and simple.
Rowlf: Stay away from women. That’s my motto.
Kermit: But I can’t.
Rowlf: Neither can I. That’s my trouble…

 

Rowlf:
You can’t live with ’em, you can’t live without ’em.
There’s somethin’ irresistabullish about ’em.
We grin and bear it ’cause the nights are long.
I hope that somethin’ better comes along.

Kermit: (spoken): Yeah, I know what you mean…

Kermit:
It’s no good complainin’ and pointless to holler.
Rowlf:
If she’s a beauty she’ll get under your collar.
Kermit:
She made a monkey out of old King Kong,
Both:
I hope that somethin’ better comes along.

Rowlf:
Ah, but what could be better than a saucy Irish setter
When puppy love comes on strong?
Or a collie that’s classy, a laddie needs a lassie,
A lover and wife gives you a new leash on life.

Kermit: (spoken):Uh, Rowlf, was that a new ‘leash’ on life?
Rowlf: (spoken): Oh yeah…sorry about that.

Kermit:
I don’t mean to scare ya, my friend, but I betcha
Come “Father’s Day”, the litter bug’s gonna getcha;
Rowlf:
The urge is righteous, but the face is wrong.
Both:
I hope that somethin’ better comes along.

Kermit:
Still, it’s fun when they’re fetching,
And agree to see an etching
That you keep at your lily pad.
There is no solution, it’s part of evolution,
Rowlf:
The pitter-patter of soles,
The little feet of tadpoles!

Kermit: (spoken)Ah, Rowlf, tadpoles don’t have feet!
Rowlf: (spoken) Oh. Sorry about that…. 2, 3, 4!

Kermit:
There’s no limitation to mixin’ and matchin’
Rowlf:
Some get an itchin’ for a critter they’ve been scratchin’.
A skunk was badgered the results were strong.
Both:
I hope that somethin’ better,
I hope that somethin’ better,
I hope that somethin’ better comes along!!!
Rowlf:Beep bop bidder da dum dum bum bum bum!

Rowlf: (spoken): It’s not often you see a guy that green have the blues that bad!

Two Lesbos Goin At It – We Just Wanted to Blog Together – That’s All

We wanted to do a blog together; but as usual we couldn’t agree on the name or what we would write about or the theme for the design.  I suppose that shouldn’t be a surprise since we can’t seem to agree on anything.   “They” say that we aren’t married but if we aren’t, why does it have to feel so much like a marriage complete with ball and chain?

We’re civiled & unionized but bottom line – we’re two lesbos goin at it – over anything and everything.

It’s been 10 years since we met.  What a fun night.   I was working out of town and decided to try out the tiny lesbian neighborhood bar down the street from my hotel.   I noticed her almost as soon as she came in the door.   Everyone seemed to know her.  She was so perky.   Okay, so even though the word “perky” may conjure up dreams of a just-old-enough-to-avoid-jail cheerleader, I can’t say that the dream is far off the mark.   Even from across the room I could tell that joy was pouring out of every inch of her. 

I’m not sure how we managed to be standing side by side at the bar so quickly.   In my memory it seems like she was at the door across the room talking to everyone in the bar and then she was right beside me.   One of those twitch my nose things and zap, there she is.   I’ve had that happen.  A totally different story and totally different girl.  

Okay, you talked me into it.  I’ll tell the other story first. 

The bar was down a dark alley.  The door wasn’t marked.  Only a small light above the door with selective admittance by peep hole invitation.   

Once I’m in, through the smoke and by the light of a bulb hanging over a pool table, I notice a girl (probably straight) with a great butt.  I barely had a chance to think about her and her butt.   Hold on . . . next thing you know she’s dropping her jeans and panties to show me her tattoo that . . .  just happens to be on her butt.  

Wouldn’t I be a great testimonial for that movie “The Secret“? 

The Secret has swept the world and touched millions of lives; mine is one more story of a life transformed into joy.  Learn of the bliss that I have have created in my own life as I share the power behind the law of attraction.  Works on family, friends, pets, health, wealth, and now . . . stranger’s butts.

Anyway . . . that was a weird night.   I’m minding my own business trying to get a sneak peak at a stranger’s butt, that looks quarter bouncing fantabulous, when next thing you know I’m checking out a tattoo on that butt, hearing about Chinese philosophy and the “meaning” of a butt tattoo.  There is “meaning” in a butt tattoo?  Who knew?

I always thought a butt tattoo meant a girl was an easy mark for one out of control sexcapade.   And, please – never more than one night with a girl sporting a butt tattoo.  Even though my mother would never know . . . well, actually my mother would know.  She’s one of those mothers.

Did you know that in Chinese philosophy, “yin and yang are generalized descriptions of the antitheses or mutual correlations in human perceptions of phenomena in the natural world, combining to create a unity of opposites”?   Shocking, the load of crap that one collects from looking at one butt in a smokey peephole alley bar just before closing time.   Thank the good Lord that it was only one night of hearing about the meaning of a butt tattoo.

Well, that was then and I’m in a different place now. 

Back to my original story.  No, this girl didn’t have a butt tattoo.  She hated tattoos and women that went around looking at stranger’s butts and having one night stands.   Instead she was happy, joyful and perky.     So even though we had  . . . 

He’s awake.  Our little man is awake.  I’m hearing a sleepy call for “Mommy” from his room.   “Mommy is on her way, sweetie.”